Things To Teach My Son

Hey all- I've been awful at blogging. I would love to blame it on my crazy busy life- raising a 4 year old; running a business and getting married has kept me busy. Honestly though it's just been a lack of inspiration. But I am here with a big announcement and a lot of inspiration for new posts!

I am pregnant and having a baby boy! TBH when I found out it was a boy I had a night of crying and pouting. Don't judge me- I'm super excited now and love this little boy SO MUCH it's crazy and he's like the size of an avocado; but I mean H-E-L-L-O I love glitter and tulle and bows. I had pins for days of little girl dresses and pink floral accents and I HAD DREAMS. I had to get my head around this change of plans really quickly because Hi- Nicole- you're not in charge; the universe is.

I had to make new dreams and I am now so excited to be having a little boy because I've realized some amazing things I get to teach him.

1. To respect women~ I don't just mean saying "ma'am" and doing the whole polite thing. I mean REALLY respecting women and not using them as a means to feel better about himself or create a more masculine persona by degrading and belittling them. That when you are talking to someone all the time and physical with someone you ARE in a relationship and holding that persons heart in your hands and that is a huge responsibility and it takes respect and tenderness to be worthy of that.

2. Consent is EVERYTHING~ No parent raises a child to be a rapist; I think it happens by avoiding the conversation that consent is vital in any sexual relationship. I mean sure it's awkward but I can't wait to teach my son the importance of this- that alcohol is a drug and the biggest date rape drug at that. That consent looks like two people saying yes and if ever there is a question if his partner is capable of consent the answer is always NO he/she isn't.

3. To be an active bystander~ To respect people and know consent is important is awesome but so many times we've all experienced hate and never spoken up. I hope to give my son the courage and security he needs to always be able to watch someone- ANYONE being oppressed and have the ability to say it isn't okay. To practice tenderness and love for his fellow man and always be courageous. Those men who saw that girl being raped in the Stanford rape case and did something about it are perfect examples of the sort of man I hope to raise my son to be. It takes bravery to defend those who can't defend themselves.

4. He is loved and accepted~ Whether he wants to play with Barbies, take tap dance classes or shoot guns. He is loved and valued as long as he is being authentically himself. I want my son to know my love is unconditional and whether my dreams for him line up with who he actually becomes or not; I will love and accept him because unconditional love is the most powerful tool a parent has.


" To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." Ralph Waldo Emerson

5. Being a parent is a responsibility~ I am so grateful my son will have his Daddy as his role model. He is an active parent- he does the laundry- the dishes and helps at bath time. I know I'm lucky. Being a parent is a life long responsibility for TWO people and being an active parent is vital in helping to keep a relationship healthy. Resentment grows quickly when one parent has the burden of all the responsibility. Having a child is not only the females responsibility and "watching" your child isn't babysitting it's parenting.

I am sure as I evolve and grow these things will change and evolve- what things do you want to teach your sons?

More posts to come soon! Including why the first trimester sucks.

The Weight Loss Trap

April 2015 and January 2016

As far back as I can remember I have struggled with my weight. Now don't get me wrong; I grew up fit and active when I say struggle I don't mean I've spent my entire life overweight. My struggle looked like a dark obsession with the idea of thinness.

At 14 I became entranced with some of the deep hidden pages online; finding community and "thinspiration" from other girls with the same obsession as me. Pro ana (pro anorexia) and Pro mia (pro bulimia) websites began to flourish and I sought out solace in these places. I learned tips and tricks to purge food easier without it hurting; how to use a toothbrush instead of your hand so no one would see teeth marks on your knuckles. This began the dark spiral of obsession with food; one that at the time I couldn't know would have long lasting implications on me and become a negative coping skill long into my adult years.

I danced with bulimia for years and at 18 years old stopped purging after a stint (18 months) in a therapeutic community (aka treatment). During this time my relationship with food was never truly addressed; although I stopped the purging which is a dangerous behavior with long term health implications, my binging never truly stopped. Food was of constant comfort and became my best friend. I quickly put weight on. I don't know the specific numbers of weight gain but I do know that in college with all you can eat food, late night pizza, crappy inexpensive junk food and a lot of booze was all I used to cope.

My weight became my greatest punishment to myself, the reason that nothing in life went the way it was suppose to. My boyfriend cheated on me, I didn't get the good job, I was the girl you screwed but didn't love etc etc. all of this happened because I was too fat. So I told myself at least. It became my reason excuse why life wasn't fair. It wasn't because I picked the wrong guys or didn't work hard enough that life didn't go my way it all came back to my weight. Writing it I feel silly saying this all; I kept myself victimized instead of empowered due to this innate belief that life was just better when you were skinny. My feminist mind told me this was wrong, I was not defined by my body or my weight but that core belief and voice haunted me without permission.

For years I sought to quiet it. Every man that I slept with silenced that inner monologue for a brief moment. "See I am good enough; someone wants me", it laid dormant for those few moments until I was alone or rejected by the same man who moments earlier quelled the pain. Loudly that voice came back hollering "See if you were skinnier, prettier he would have loved you; he was disgusted by your body." I have spent years chasing ways to lose weight convinced it would be the thing to solve my problems.

I wasn't aware at the time these were deeper issues; actually I wasn't aware any of this was even an issue at all.

I allowed food to run my life and gained more and more weight. I got up to 273 pounds. I never thought I would share this with anyone before but I've lived in shame too long about that number.
If you've followed my blog at all you know I had weight loss surgery and have lost a significant amount of weight. 97 pounds to be exact. That means I am now 176 pounds for all you math geniuses. I am still considered obese (annoying) according to BMI charts but I don't feel obese. I feel confident and good about my weight and healthy in a way I haven't for years. Don't get me wrong food is still my frenemy. I struggle everyday with what I want and what I should eat. This surgery has helped stop my binging because I just cannot consume a lot without puking it all up in a painful fit of tears and choking. It's lovely.

Now you may be asking yourself where is the weight loss trap if I am comfortable with my weight?
Well remember that innate core belief that said life was easier and better when you were thinner? I did not realize it at the time but that distorted thinking was there lurking beneath the fat waiting to make me miserable all over again. As I've lost weight gradually i've seen an increase in my anxiety and stress. I didn't notice it at first but the more I've lost the more momentous this anxiety has become and lately I've found myself awake until 4 AM just thinking.

I realized that without food as my coping skill I am left with no distraction from my fears, obsessions and thoughts. I truly believed that with weight loss would come an easier existence. Sure things have become easier in that I can now walk into any store and find something that fits; I can bend down and tie my shoe, I can chase my 4 year old step-daughter, I can walk and stand and jump without pain and being breathless. Life is easier in many ways but it has not stopped being life. Bad days still happen, people are still rude they just don't insult my weight anymore. I am still the exact same person I was, I have the same fears that I am not good enough, that I am failing at being an adult. I have the same desire to people please that I did at 273 lbs. Nothing has changed but my body and frankly I feel let down. I feel let down that I've accomplished this major feat (trust me I am proud of it) and that nothing major has changed. I HAVEN'T CHANGED. Food still controls my life, what am I eating, should I eat that, how much protein have I had today, have I eaten enough, too much? These questions plague me daily, sometimes minute by minute. The same obsession exists it's just in a different context.

I regret none of my weight loss so please don't read this as a sob story but as awareness for other girls out there like me who secretly believe and don't even know it that the weight is the problem. It isn't; the problem was and will always be me.

So for those of you sitting at home behind your computer thinking life isn't fair because you're fat or don't fit societies standard of beauty. Let me tell you it is NOT fair; you should not be judged for your body, belittled, made to feel small because you carry extra weight.  Losing it will not make life fair either. Life. Is. Not. Fair.