Liver shrinking diet: Week 1

Day 1: I'm at a training for work, a bridal makeup class, something I should love but instead I literally want to punch everyone around me. I started this god aweful diet this morning, I am immediately questioning my ability to do this. I am starving and not only am I hungry but I don't feel good. My head pounds with every step I take and the thought of not being able to fix this with a bite of chicken or something instantly makes me feel powerless in a way I haven't before.

During lunch everyone goes out to socialize and I stay behind because I am quite sure I cannot sit there drinking the most disgusting protein shake watching people eat. I just don't have the will power, although I suppose that's what has me in this situation in the first place.

During the drive home it's now been 6 hours since I had my last shake (I didn't think I would be out as long as I was) I literally think I'm going to die. I'm dizzy and so naseaus.  I call people in my network sobbing, I can't believe I have let myself and my body get so out of control that I have to go to such extremes to get healthy again.

I run to the store and buy a chicken bc I am allowed (thankfully) one "meal".

I carefully measure my 3 oz of skinless flavorless chicken and I swear to you as that touched my lips I almost cried. Nothing ever tasted as good as that chicken did.

I fell asleep at like 7 pm but hell I survived the day. 1 terrible no good very bad day.

Day 2: I slept for like 10 maybe 11 hours and I actually feel good today! I'm back in the salon and I am busy with clients. I start my day with my shake... It's the second day and already I'm a little less than enthused about this. Whatever I'm not sick, dizzy and everything else so we will just go with it.

I enjoy the same meal as yesterday and go to bed around 11:30pmb or 12:00 am

I didn't just survive the day I had a GOOD day. I feel excited like maybe there is hope!

Day 3: I wake up hungry, I mean really hungry. My stomach is growling and I feel naseaus as hell. F#%* I dunno how I'll survive today. Why do I feel like this again? I drink my shake and actually feel more sick to my stomach.

I am busy in the salon today and I eat my yogurt late maybe around 2 pm. I know I won't be home until 8:30-9:00 tonight so I try to hold off on my second shake until around 6:00 pm.

I choke down the shake and make it home a little after 9. I decided to mix it up tonight and I cook some lean ground beef. I eat 3 oz. of that and 1/2 cup of bean sprouts. I don't feel satisfied necessarily in any emotional way but my body stops screaming at me so that's good.

Day 4: I have an appointment today with the nutritionist, hopefully to get some clarification on what I can and cannot eat because I do not feel like I can do this for one month. Dear reader you may read this and think I am weak but I am struggling, I feel like I'm treading water and I'm just hoping I don't drown. 

I miss the appointment, I ran late with a client and I am going to be 15 minutes late for my appointment. They won't let me come if I'm more than 10 minutes late. I called the office crying, begging, pleading. 

The nutrionist calls me she is kind but I feel stupid I start crying again. I tell her that I sick, weak, dizzy. She said that means I am doing it right. I want to crawl in a hole. She said it's okay if I go a little over on my veggies. I need to be between 600-800 calories a day and I really have to watch my sugars.

I eat 3.8 oz of lean ground beef, I know I know it's suppose to be 3 oz but I REALLY needed to feel the meat between my teeth, to actually chew. 

I go to bed. And I sleep and sleep and sleep. 

Day 5: The protein shakes are making me sick to my stomach. I can barely choke them down. I go to GNC hoping to find something that won't make me gag. I buy quest peanut butter shake. It does not taste like peanut butter. I also try isopure mango peach. It's okay but at least it isn't thick and creamy and making me vomit in my mouth. 

It's day 5 and I have 25 more to go. Please punch me. 

I ate 1/2 a cup of spaghetti squash with 1/4 cup of tomato sauce and 3.8 oz of ground beef. Okay okay don't yell at me I know I shouldn't eat more than I am allowed but seriously I'm dying over here.  My total calories for the day: 650.

I might have my cup of yogurt I'm allowed as a "dessert" it would bring me to 735 calories for the day.

I think I am still doing okay. I'm in the range. 

Day 6: it's prom today and the salon is slammed. I love it! But I made a mistake and didn't drink my shake before I left, it's 1:30 before get any calories into my system and I am seriously starting to fade at that point. It's very clear I need to be on top of that, I guess it makes sense. I'm consuming so few calories that I really can't "wait" to take any in. 

My whole day is sorta screwy with food. By the time I get home it's almost 6 and I haven't had my "lunch" shake yet. I drink my shake, oh btw I find a shake combo that doesn't make me pukie finally! Half chocolate and half peanut butter. 

At around 7:30 Chris (my fiancé) brings me home chicken. So for dinner I eat chicken (skinless and boneless) and 1/2 a cup of green beans. 

I get really hungry around 10:30 and I eat a pickle. I don't know if it's allowed, it's not listed on the veggies I can eat BUT it has nothing in it. No carbs, no calories so I don't feel too guilty. I guess I could have eaten my 10 carrots I'm allowed but that's sorta boring. 

I'm proud of myself though bc I only ate 1 pickle and not 10. I reallllly wanted more! 

Day 7: it's been one whole week and I am down 10 lbs. it's pretty exciting mostly bc I know I will never see those 10 lbs. again. In the past when I've crash dieted I've always put it back on plus some. But at the end of this will come a surgery that will assure if I do it as laid out I will never see this weight again.

I'm so excited at the idea of living a healthier life without the risk of obesity related diseases.

Til next time reader! I hope you have a blessed day.

What does it take to be "beautiful"?

For years this question has plagued me, I have never really felt "good enough". Never satisfied with who I am or what I am bringing to the table. This self loathing began at an early age, I learned early on that in order to be "beautiful" you had to be thin. I've always been bigger, when I was younger I wasn't fat by any means but I was never just thin. I always had muscle, I was very active in my youth; soccer, cheerleading, track. I longed to be naturally thin and in doing so I began to purge my food.

This desire to be thin and "perfect" brought me to dark places. In the past few weeks especially I've really begun to take a hard look at myself and what beautiful means. Nearing 30 I am beginning to look at my body as less of an object and more as a machine. My body is the machine that keeps my spirit and life running. It's goal is not to please others or be sexy or beautiful. It's goal is one thing, to keep me alive.

I've gained a substancial amount of weight in the past 7 years. It hasn't been a quick process but has surely been one that feels like it's crept up on me. I am at my highest weight ever and with a bmi of over 45 I am my most unhealthy. My younger, former self would have beat myself up for not being pretty enough or living up to societies standards. Today however I just want to get my life back.

 My life as an obese women has meant that I am constantly aware. I am always aware of my surroundings. "Can I fit between those two chairs or do I need to walk around the room to get by" "Will the airplane seat belts fit or will I need to pretend to be buckled". These concerns are with me everywhere. I have lost the ability to enjoy my life as I use to. Hiking, canoeing, dancing...the list continues.

So to get back to the original question and purpose of this blog which asks "what does it take to be 'beautiful'"? I have come to find the answer is to be happy. There is nothing more beautiful than a woman who is genuinely happy and living her life the way she wants to.

I have made the decision to get happy with me. I am making big changes in the upcoming weeks to really address my weight for what it is; a health issue, NOT a pretty issue.

What do you think beautiful means?