What does it take to be "beautiful"?

For years this question has plagued me, I have never really felt "good enough". Never satisfied with who I am or what I am bringing to the table. This self loathing began at an early age, I learned early on that in order to be "beautiful" you had to be thin. I've always been bigger, when I was younger I wasn't fat by any means but I was never just thin. I always had muscle, I was very active in my youth; soccer, cheerleading, track. I longed to be naturally thin and in doing so I began to purge my food.

This desire to be thin and "perfect" brought me to dark places. In the past few weeks especially I've really begun to take a hard look at myself and what beautiful means. Nearing 30 I am beginning to look at my body as less of an object and more as a machine. My body is the machine that keeps my spirit and life running. It's goal is not to please others or be sexy or beautiful. It's goal is one thing, to keep me alive.

I've gained a substancial amount of weight in the past 7 years. It hasn't been a quick process but has surely been one that feels like it's crept up on me. I am at my highest weight ever and with a bmi of over 45 I am my most unhealthy. My younger, former self would have beat myself up for not being pretty enough or living up to societies standards. Today however I just want to get my life back.

 My life as an obese women has meant that I am constantly aware. I am always aware of my surroundings. "Can I fit between those two chairs or do I need to walk around the room to get by" "Will the airplane seat belts fit or will I need to pretend to be buckled". These concerns are with me everywhere. I have lost the ability to enjoy my life as I use to. Hiking, canoeing, dancing...the list continues.

So to get back to the original question and purpose of this blog which asks "what does it take to be 'beautiful'"? I have come to find the answer is to be happy. There is nothing more beautiful than a woman who is genuinely happy and living her life the way she wants to.

I have made the decision to get happy with me. I am making big changes in the upcoming weeks to really address my weight for what it is; a health issue, NOT a pretty issue.

What do you think beautiful means?