The Weight Loss Trap

April 2015 and January 2016

As far back as I can remember I have struggled with my weight. Now don't get me wrong; I grew up fit and active when I say struggle I don't mean I've spent my entire life overweight. My struggle looked like a dark obsession with the idea of thinness.

At 14 I became entranced with some of the deep hidden pages online; finding community and "thinspiration" from other girls with the same obsession as me. Pro ana (pro anorexia) and Pro mia (pro bulimia) websites began to flourish and I sought out solace in these places. I learned tips and tricks to purge food easier without it hurting; how to use a toothbrush instead of your hand so no one would see teeth marks on your knuckles. This began the dark spiral of obsession with food; one that at the time I couldn't know would have long lasting implications on me and become a negative coping skill long into my adult years.

I danced with bulimia for years and at 18 years old stopped purging after a stint (18 months) in a therapeutic community (aka treatment). During this time my relationship with food was never truly addressed; although I stopped the purging which is a dangerous behavior with long term health implications, my binging never truly stopped. Food was of constant comfort and became my best friend. I quickly put weight on. I don't know the specific numbers of weight gain but I do know that in college with all you can eat food, late night pizza, crappy inexpensive junk food and a lot of booze was all I used to cope.

My weight became my greatest punishment to myself, the reason that nothing in life went the way it was suppose to. My boyfriend cheated on me, I didn't get the good job, I was the girl you screwed but didn't love etc etc. all of this happened because I was too fat. So I told myself at least. It became my reason excuse why life wasn't fair. It wasn't because I picked the wrong guys or didn't work hard enough that life didn't go my way it all came back to my weight. Writing it I feel silly saying this all; I kept myself victimized instead of empowered due to this innate belief that life was just better when you were skinny. My feminist mind told me this was wrong, I was not defined by my body or my weight but that core belief and voice haunted me without permission.

For years I sought to quiet it. Every man that I slept with silenced that inner monologue for a brief moment. "See I am good enough; someone wants me", it laid dormant for those few moments until I was alone or rejected by the same man who moments earlier quelled the pain. Loudly that voice came back hollering "See if you were skinnier, prettier he would have loved you; he was disgusted by your body." I have spent years chasing ways to lose weight convinced it would be the thing to solve my problems.

I wasn't aware at the time these were deeper issues; actually I wasn't aware any of this was even an issue at all.

I allowed food to run my life and gained more and more weight. I got up to 273 pounds. I never thought I would share this with anyone before but I've lived in shame too long about that number.
If you've followed my blog at all you know I had weight loss surgery and have lost a significant amount of weight. 97 pounds to be exact. That means I am now 176 pounds for all you math geniuses. I am still considered obese (annoying) according to BMI charts but I don't feel obese. I feel confident and good about my weight and healthy in a way I haven't for years. Don't get me wrong food is still my frenemy. I struggle everyday with what I want and what I should eat. This surgery has helped stop my binging because I just cannot consume a lot without puking it all up in a painful fit of tears and choking. It's lovely.

Now you may be asking yourself where is the weight loss trap if I am comfortable with my weight?
Well remember that innate core belief that said life was easier and better when you were thinner? I did not realize it at the time but that distorted thinking was there lurking beneath the fat waiting to make me miserable all over again. As I've lost weight gradually i've seen an increase in my anxiety and stress. I didn't notice it at first but the more I've lost the more momentous this anxiety has become and lately I've found myself awake until 4 AM just thinking.

I realized that without food as my coping skill I am left with no distraction from my fears, obsessions and thoughts. I truly believed that with weight loss would come an easier existence. Sure things have become easier in that I can now walk into any store and find something that fits; I can bend down and tie my shoe, I can chase my 4 year old step-daughter, I can walk and stand and jump without pain and being breathless. Life is easier in many ways but it has not stopped being life. Bad days still happen, people are still rude they just don't insult my weight anymore. I am still the exact same person I was, I have the same fears that I am not good enough, that I am failing at being an adult. I have the same desire to people please that I did at 273 lbs. Nothing has changed but my body and frankly I feel let down. I feel let down that I've accomplished this major feat (trust me I am proud of it) and that nothing major has changed. I HAVEN'T CHANGED. Food still controls my life, what am I eating, should I eat that, how much protein have I had today, have I eaten enough, too much? These questions plague me daily, sometimes minute by minute. The same obsession exists it's just in a different context.

I regret none of my weight loss so please don't read this as a sob story but as awareness for other girls out there like me who secretly believe and don't even know it that the weight is the problem. It isn't; the problem was and will always be me.

So for those of you sitting at home behind your computer thinking life isn't fair because you're fat or don't fit societies standard of beauty. Let me tell you it is NOT fair; you should not be judged for your body, belittled, made to feel small because you carry extra weight.  Losing it will not make life fair either. Life. Is. Not. Fair.